As we begin the journey into 2020 I take time to reflect ……. And share my personal reflections with you of what has unfolded for me as I have travelled to this point of time
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As long as I can remember I have been seeking … . As a young child I experienced my first deep soul connection. Gazing into a mirror, I dropped into what I can only describe as a void … it was deep and dark. It was like my eyes became a portal that took me through the veil behind the physicality of the human eye. I felt this expansive deep depth of nothingness, though in this nothingness was fullness, a feeling of completeness, safety, security….. it felt “home “.
Being a young child, there was also this sense of fear within the unknown which brought me quickly back into my more comfort zone of reality .
I never forgot that profound moment as it was my window into a “knowing" that there was so much more than this physical body …and world .
Little did I realise then that I would consciously visit this place many more times through my journey of awakening .
Though.... it took many many years.
It started as an outside journey, trying to find my own identity, amongst the childhood traumas and carrying the burdens of ancestral wounding .
I was grasping for security through the external exterior of life. Attracting toxic relationships that at the time were only meeting the frequency of my own low vibration.
Material possessions… outside validation……. addictions….self-loathing were all a part of the unconscious self (ego ) needing to be healed.
Trying to fit in to a world of social conditioning just fucked me up even more ….. Why??? Because it wasnt what my soul was seeking .....there was more.!!
I felt it, longed for it, though didn’t know how to obtain it. None of the above fulfilled this longing for peace or love of self.
It took me years to realise it couldn’t be reached from the outside. Even though I started on my spiritual journey in my early 20s , I was still seeking to find answers within hundreds of self-help , spiritual guidance books of many healing modalities, courses, workshops working more with the Annamaya kosha (physical body ) …and yes I did start to heal evolve and grow … though at a slow pace. I feel partly because I was working cognitively … which is within the masculine energy …( remembering that both male and female genders contain within them, masculine and feminine energies )… and partly because I just wasn’t ready to descend into the deep inner vital work that was truly needed to accelerate my healing and spiritual growth.
This “slow awakening" continued into my 40s. It was here that that my awakening become excelerated…. Not by conscious choice, though they say that accidents are no accidents !
Being involved in one which left my face broken and disfigured beyond recognition was a wake up call I couldn’t spiritually bypass. It took many operations, many tears, and a huge shift into acceptance ,compassion, surrender and trust .
It was in this time that my journey of transcending the ego identity begun and I experienced “The Dark Night of the soul”….This happens in the deepest part of our depression during an Spiritual Awakening, our lowest point. We are in complete despair, and we know that something has to happen in our life, something drastic and meaningful, but we don’t understand what that something has to be to put it back together again.
So the seeking continued.
It was also within this time that I started my transition into menopause… I believe the hot flashes helped burn away and clear the internal pathways of what was no longer serving me .Both of these "gifts" gave me the direction and courage to turn inwards and to truly awaken to my own needs at that time and the transpersonal healing required.
And so I entered into the initiation portal of the Crone archetypal energies.
The descent into the divine feminine energy had begun .
The last few years has taken my soul on a huge acceleration journey of transpersonal growth.
At the beginning of 2017/18 I put trust in the universe to bring forth to me what my soul required to accelerate into deeper soul consciousness…..to clear the way further and guide me into my next chapter of life to where I could serve with more authenticity and spiritual sovereignty.
I trusted that my financial flow would allow me to participate in my callings, and trusted my intuition would navigate me to the right teachers, people and places.
These years manifested into many travels, retreats , immersions , journeys , descents healings and beautiful friendships.
Powerful years of delving deep into the murky waters of the unknown, shedding, disentangling , dissolving, integrating , harmonising and freeing from a deep cellular level.
2019 continued to descend me even deeper into source knowing …..9 months apprenticeship into the feminine mysteries has been an incredible journey beyond words and has gifted me with unexplainable abundance of self.
There have been many personal / spiritual awakenings and “shifts” that have happened along this time . Though the most potent source that has allowed my soul to move into a more awakened presence has been my deepening relationship with surrender and trust. The foundations of unbinding the shackled mind body and spirit and allowing life to unfold and flow instead of trying to control has created so much more ease in life.
The other huge shift has been creating a more conscious awareness choice around judgement of self and others. Working within this wound has loosened the heart contractions and expanded my capacity to love myself and others so much more deeply.
Overall I feel I am a much more embodied, expanded and lighter woman. My purpose of where my offerings of service lye, now have more clarity.
There still is, and always will be more soul journeys to explore and heal, especially now that I have entered into a beautiful new intimate relationship.
It’s an inside job that never ends however old we may grow . For now though … I know that I AM ENOUGH.
I feel so very grateful and blessed for all that has unfolded for me. The amazing people who I have meet along the way who have inspired ,guided ,trusted and radiated so much heart felt love into my now open and receiving heart.
Blessings to you all as we enter our new year . In your own way may you find deep peace and contentment to know that YOU ARE ENOUGH and you are WORTHY of everything you desire .
Blessings Mez x
